


Hold On

by The_Eclectic_Reader23



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Depression;, F/M, Hope vs. Despair, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Mature Content;, Other, Pregnancy Loss;, Sad with a Happy Ending, Song Lyrics, Song: Hold On (Chord Overstreet), Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 07:33:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20903954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Eclectic_Reader23/pseuds/The_Eclectic_Reader23
Summary: (Y/N) lost their child. After the realisation of this, she fades deeply into depression. Loki does not know what to do; he is scared like he has never been before. Carrying his and hers burden, Loki decides he needs to reach out to her.But is it too late? Can love always save somebody from the darkness of their mind?WARNING: SENSITIVE TOPIC





	Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> This topic is very sensitive and I don't want to harm anybody or cause an uncomfortable feeling.  
If you can relate to situation like this, I don't want you to read this story then. It could be triggering.  
I didn't write this story to remind somebody of bad things.  
I am sorry if anything of this ever happened to you.  
(Always be strong.) 
> 
> As usual, I'm sorry if there any grammar mistakes. Trying my best. 
> 
> Love to all <3

He is running. Loki is running home, as quickly as he can. Terrified. Terrified to the core of his being. 

And praying. Praying she'll be alive when he comes home. 

His body is shaking, his lips are trembling as coldness crawls up his spine. Not of winter air, but of fear. Fear which leaves him feeling shattered, hopeless. Which creates a new brokenness in his life, as if there aren't too many already. 

With shaky fingers he pulls out a phone, strange device (Y/N) gifted him a year ago, and chooses a contact he has got used to call a lot recently. It's (Y/N)'s mother. 

"Hello, dear", a warm voice says after the third ring. 

"How is she?" Loki spats out, but adds seconds later: "I'm sorry, Mrs. I am... I am worried about her. Did she eat? Did she say something?" 

He can hear a sigh on the other line. It answers everything. 

"She ate a bit of the lunch I served her. But not much. As for speaking, well... she said just one thing." 

"What was it?" 

Another sigh from her mother. Loki's growing impatient of feeling this fear of the unknown. Does he even want to know? Does he even want to hear it, if it's going to sound terrifying, if it's going to rip his soul out? Does he want to know? 

"She asked me to tell you that she loves you." 

Loki stops in place. He knows what this means. What this _could_ mean. 

_Loving and fighting _

_Accusing, denying_

_I can't imagine a world with you gone _

_The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of _

_I'd be so lost if you left me alone _

Loki's been looking for signs of contemplated suicide everywhere. 

The refusal to eat or to speak or to take a shower. Neglection of care for oneself. Outbursts of crying. Sitting in one place and not moving for a whole day. Blank stare. Numbness. Disinterest in everyday life. Depression. 

It's all been here for months now. Since... 

Loki closes his eyes, trying to push the pain away. The pain of the memory. 

Since she lost their baby.

After the first shock had worn off, and after she had reassured him of being a bad father, Loki devoted himself completely to (Y/N) and their unborn child. He took care of any sign of inconvenience and ceased the pain from time to time. He'd been thinking about a fact of his child turning out to be a Frost Giant, and voicing his worries and doubts out loud, only for her to throw them away and swear she'll be fine as long as she has him by her side. 

What was troubling Loki even more was the fact she felt more pain than it was expected. He knew she had the same poisonous thoughts in her mind, yet she had never voiced them. Loki had various nightmares about what could go wrong in the process of bearing a child of his heritage, and was never completely still at night, constantly checking on (Y/N)'s breathing and occasional whimpers.

But that night, that unfortunate night, the fate wanted him to fall asleep deeply. 

Loki opens his eyes, his vision overshadowed with tears. He's still standing at the same place, not able to move his tired limbs. 

He's tired of trying not to remember. He's tired of carrying his guilt as much as hers too. He just wants them to be happy again. Together in pain. Reaching out to each other so they can heal one another, soothe one another. 

He doesn't want to be cut away. He doesn't want her to cut herself away from him anymore. 

Loki leans against a wall. Gasping for breath, he tries to stop the tears from falling, those wet raindrops that taste of memories he wants to forget. But Loki's not good at hiding from his inner demons, shadows of what he wishes for and what he craves. So, as he closes his eyes once again, the memory comes back. 

Screaming woke him up. Antagonizing, soul-ripping scream followed by choking sobs. It was her. 

Loki got up quickly. But as he rushed to the bathroom, he found the door locked. 

"(Y/N)! Love, open them, please!" Loki yelled, banging at the door with rapid frustration and fear. Anxiety was building up in him with any moment she let out another scream. Panic rose in him. And then... silence. 

Which was much worse. Loki pushed hard against the door and... noticed red. A lot of red. Blood which belonged in (Y/N)'s body; not on the chilling cold floor. He rushed to her side. 

_You locked yourself in the bathroom _

_Laying on the floor as I break through _

_I pull you in to feel your heartbeat _

_Can you hear me screaming _

_'Please, don't leave me'_

When she opened her eyes, he was there. Awake. Staring at one dot he was the only one to see. His back leaned against the chair; he was tensed, she could tell. His arms weren't crossed as they usually would have been; Loki made a habit of crossing them. 

That's how she knew something was wrong. Something was very, _very_ wrong. And she knew what was it. 

When the doctor came in, she had already put a hand over her stomach. She knew one life was utterly gone, emptied out of her body that was supposed to bring care and safety to another living being. Her son or daughter was gone. 

Loki straighted himself and took one of (Y/N)'s hands, glancing at where the other one was resting. _Be strong_, he thought. _For her._

_Be brave_, she thought. _For him._

Doctor explained how the operation went. (Y/N) lost so much blood they believed she won't make it out alive. But she survived, and that was a miracle worth celebrating. (Y/N) felt Loki's fingers strengthening around her palm. _Don't push it, Doc._

What the doctor said next angered her, but left Loki paralyzed. Shooting a suspicious glance at Loki, the doctor said how the expectations of her losing a baby, _this baby_, were high likely. She is a human. She wasn't - actually, her body wasn't meant to carry or deliver a child with 'such unusual DNA'. _Don't say it, Doc._

(Y/N) stayed in the hospital for a few days. Loki was still there. 

"It shouldn't have happened", she spoke one morning, voice hoarse. Loki was helping her with dressing up. He looked at her for a short time, like he was supposed to say something; but then he only nodded, swallowing the words he needed to say, and kept on helping her. No words were shared between them later. 

He was speechless for days. He didn't say anything to her; the only persons he spoke to were the doctors and her mother. 

Loki's refusal to talk let her believe that she was the one Loki found guilty for this. Honestly, she really felt that way. Like she let him down. 

For once in his life, Loki was feeling happy about something. Yes, he carried a lot of doubts at the beginning, but was silenced when he first felt the presence of his child. From that day on, he was happy. _Loki was happy._ And it meant something. It was a proof of something good, something pure. 

Now their child was gone. So was he. 

The realisation overwhelmed her, broke her down devastatingly; that the reason of Loki's happiness was destroyed, his dreams of family turned into ash and dust, and she was the one guilty. She kept feeding on pity and newly formed self-hatred, believing Loki would be finally at peace once he's freed of her. 

At the same time, not knowing (Y/N)'s torments, Loki kept on blaiming himself. He cursed himself over and over, internally yelling at his own stupidity and recklessness of putting the love of his life in such danger.

"How dare you!" he yelled at his reflection in the hospital bathroom's mirror. "She could have died too! You could have lost her too! You bastard! HOW DARE YOU?!" 

He punched and the glass spilt itself on the floor. The loss of the child struck him. The possibility of losing (Y/N) even more. He felt lost. 

Loki knew she will resent him. Maybe even hate him. Maybe he will lose her in the end. The change in (Y/N)'s behaviour made him realize he was right. At least, he thought he was right of her despising him. 

Both of them fought their own inner battles, blaiming themselves, that they slowly withdrew from each other. And it scared Loki. _It left him out of breath._

_Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you_

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right _

_I swear to love you all my life_

_Hold on, I still need you _

He's still leaning against the wall, but his tears are dried now. Loki's breathing rapidly, out of breath, out of tears. He unbuttons his leather shirt and focuses on breathing more steadily. 

How long has he been standing like this? How long has he left her alone? 

He checks the phone. It's 9 pm. _Gods_, he thinks, cursing himself. _I'm late. I'm always too late._

He looks up. The streets are full of people, but not of only one person he needs, he wants, he loves. 

Recovering from the sudden outburst of unwelling grief and sadness, he prepares for a run. As he starts rushing towards their home, with memories catching up in his mind, the only thing he can think of is: _I'll make it right. I'll fix it for us._

When they left the hospital a few mornings later, the silence had already risen between them. Loki was holding her by shoulders as they walked to the car. He felt her limpness. She felt his tension. 

As he put her inside the car, he let out a sigh and walked over to the driver's seat. Making himself comfortable, he glanced at her, but she was staring outside. He didn't say a thing. 

They were driving in silence. Loki kept on regularly checking on her, searching for any sign of pain or discomfort on her face. But it was plain, looking indifferent, emotionless. Any pain she had been feeling was in her mind, in her heart, and he had no access to it. 

He wanted to say something; he wanted to break this odd distance that settled between them. But if he tried... would it hurt her more? If he tried to say something, and she understands it differently? 

No, he couldn't risk it. Not like that. Not when she was in this state. 

And so he remained silent, shushing his demons while hers roared. 

_A long endless highway, you're silent beside me _

_Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from _

_Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading _

_Hiding in the shock and the chills in my bones _

The night she was taken to hospital is the worst night he's ever experienced. The blanket he covered her with was soaked with grimson in matter of seconds. As he brought her to hospital barely breathing, half alive, the doctors took her away from his arms and fled to the operating room. The child was needed to be taken out of (Y/N)'s body, as quickly as possible. She was close to dying, and could've been helped to, but the child was... dead. 

Loki didn't need to ask, nor did the doctors bother to tell of the child's fate. He will never meet his son. He will never meet his daughter. He will never, he will never. 

Minutes and minutes went by, and Loki wandered through the waiting room restlessly. He was afraid of calling (Y/N)'s mother. What could he tell her? That he's guilty she'll never meet her grandchild; that he will be gulity if her daughter dies? He didn't call her. He didn't have the guts to do it. He didn't have any courage left. 

But as if she felt something - something dangerous - she called. Loki's hand anxiously twitched when he saw the phone number, but he answered. 

Her mother received the news stoically; she didn't panic, she didn't yell slurs at Loki. Actually, he was the one who needed reassurement, and for that (Y/N)'s mother was just perfect.

Loki told her the baby was gone. "Due to the loss of a lot of the blood...", he tried to explain. "I'm sorry", he stated later, repeating it numerous ways. 

Her mother just replied "It's okay", and kept saying it over and over, even when she came to the hospital; she held Loki in tight embrace, saying she didn't hold him responsible for what had happened, to Loki's disbelief. 

They waited there together, united in worry and prayers and holding each other by hand; even in the moment like that Loki could feel the sense of a family he's looked for whole his life, and held onto that realisation so he could find some bravery and strength for what will happen after that night. 

And when the doctors came out, saying (Y/N)'s fine and will survive, Loki still kept the positivity of that family feeling. He still carried it within himself while he was sitting by her side, watching her unconscious and pale figure laying on the hospital bed. Her mother talked to her daughter, smiling softly and kissing her forehead, muttering "Everything will be alright" in her hair. 

Loki took (Y/N)'s hand in his and kissed it. His lips stayed on her skin, his eyes closed and a fear building up in his lungs. 

_They took you away on the table _

_I pace back and forth as you lay still _

_I pull you in to feel your heartbeat _

_Can you hear me screaming _

_'Please don't leave me'_

* * *

Loki opens the apartment door quietly. Her mother's greeting him as he wanders to the kitchen. 

"I'm sorry for being this late", he apologizes and gives her a hug. She waves her head and smiles. 

"It's no problem, dear", she says warmly. "She's in your bedroom." 

Loki nods and goes out of the kitchen. As he's approaching the room closer and closer, he knows not what to say. Or, actually, he does know _what_, but not _how_. 

He knocks on the door, although he knows she won't answer. So he comes in. 

She's sitting by the window, looking out. He sits across her and glances at the sky, before saying softly: "The stars are beautiful tonight."

Nothing. She says nothing. 

He sighs and decides to go for a physical contact, leaning closer to her and hugging her. At this she seems to react; by pushing him away so hard he falls backwards. He's surprised, she can tell. But what did he expect? Why is he not running away? 

"(Y/N)...", he gasps, eyes wide open. 

He tries to reach her once more, but she backs away in the corner swiftly. Her eyes are tightened. Loki kneels in front of her. His cold hand brushes hers, equally cold. 

"Love, I beg of you...", he leans forward, pressing his forehead on hers. "Let me in, love. Let me." 

His voice, once so stubborn, so demanding, is now covered with plea and utter sadness. She knows she's doing him injustice.

But she's too ashamed. Too unworthy of his love. 

But she can't let him go. He _needs_ to want to go. 

"Please, just leave. Please, just leave me." 

Her voice is hoarse, thin and sobbing. She dares not open her eyes, knowing he's staring at her; but he keeps nudging her nose with his, and when she finally hears him sob loudly, she opens them. Loki's beautiful eyes staring at her, crying for her. Crying because of her. 

She puts her hands on each side of his face, careful while she does it. She hasn't touched him in months. 

But as her fingers land on his cheeks, wiping away the rolling tears, his skin becomes familiar again. One arm of hers wanders to his hair, gently massaging a handful of his raven locks. 

She forgot him. She let herself forget him. 

"Don't cry", she cries out. 

"You're giving me no choice", he sniffs.

She look away, too embarrassed, too saddened. She can't stand the sight of him being this broken. 

How could she let this happen to him? To them? 

"You can do it, Loki. I won't be angry. You have the right to do it." 

Loki blinks in confusion. "Do what, love?" 

"You can always give me up if you want." 

"No. Not you", he replies harshly. "Never you." 

(Y/N) looks up at him; there's a hint of... what? Hope? Love? How could he love her after all? 

"I love you. You know that. And I'd never give up on you. You also know that", he says. 

"How can you still love me after all?" she asks. 

But he doesn't answer; he kisses her deeply and lets his lips say it all.

_Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you _

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_

_I swear to love you whole my life _

_Hold on, I still need you _

"I love you. And even at your worst, I still love you" he says after breaking the kiss. 

"Loki..." 

He waves his head. "No, I'm not leaving you. Why would I?" 

"Because... our child died. Died because of me", she says. 

He waves his head once again. 

"You should blame me. You _have to_ blame me", she says, urging him to accept her twisted truth so it could be easier for her when he leaves. If he leaves. 

"I'm not blaming you. I didn't blame you at once", he speaks abruptly, when he notices a familiar look in her eyes. "I've blamed myself. For so long, I've blamed myself that I haven't noticed you needed me here. To support you, to stand by you and to soothe you." 

Finally, he confessed. As he stares her in the eyes, he knows he's relieved of the burden that was crushing him for months. And he knows he can help her to be who she was back then. 

Loki cups both of her hands in his fists, slightly tightening them, and speaks: 

"I will help you. I will carry your burden the same as I did mine, and I will help you with mental recovery." 

He kisses her softly. 

"I will be here."

He kisses again, and this one lasts. Until he tastes the salt on his lips. She's crying. 

"I'm afraid I'm not enough for you", she says in his mouth. He says "No", he says she is the one he loves, he says he'll always stay no matter what happens. 

He's honest with her. He reached out to her when she didn't. She wanted to, but didn't know how he feels. About this. About them. About the child they won't raise. 

She should be honest with him too. Even if it pained him, it'd be better if he knew what has been on her mind for months. How she planned to leave him, soon. 

"I've considered suicide." 

He nods. "I know." 

"I've considered leaving you, Loki. Alone." 

He looks sad. "I know." 

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

They look at each other. Can they step over this? Can they be themselves again? 

Loki takes her hand in his, drawing circles on her palm. He's fighting back tears. 

Can they forgive? Can they love the ugly side? 

She looks at his fingers tracing over hers. His touch. So familiar. So painfully familiar. 

She covers his hand with hers, giving it a slight shake. And he knows. He knows she's decided to stay, to fight again. She's decided to leave the house of ruins, of the past. She's decided not to leave him alone. 

_I don't wanna let go _

_I know I'm not that strong _

_I just wanna hear you saying _

_'Baby, let's go home' _

_Let's go home _

_I just wanna take you home _

"Around all the darkness in my world, you've always been the light", Loki says silently.

"And now you're going to be my light", she finishes.

Loki smiles and nods. "Yes, I will be." 

(Y/N) smiles too and spreads her arms open.

"Come."

She embraces him. She lets him in. 

And he embraces her, knowing they can endure it together. 

_Hold on, I still want you _

_Come back, I still need you_


End file.
